Crash

A missed Neurology appointment.
Two missed Physical Therapy appointments.
Zero hours at Roverchase.
Not so much as a phone call or FaceTime with my friends or boyfriend.
No posts on my business page.
A week off from keeping Cabbage’s sister.
An entire week of missed classes and assignments.

See that’s the problem with restarting your life when the recovery process is still—well, in process. I have worked so hard to start building new relationships, to be an active member of society, to have passion projects, to make my own money, to keep working toward fininishing my education, to get stronger. I have started living a full life again.

But full lives come with expectations and due dates and accountability and grades and notifications on your phone that let you know exactly who and what you’re failing with each hour you’re asleep because another crash has come.

Another crash has come.

This past Monday morning was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was fine. Until the moment that I wasn’t, and I was sure that I was going to Jesus. Adrenal Crisis is not new to me. It was not the first time. If you’ve been with me a while, you know this. But I have been healing. I have been building muscle, eating, drinking water, taking every medicine and supplement exactly as directed by my team. So when my Cortisol bottomed out on Monday, I didn’t lose consciousness. I was fully aware of every symptom that attacked my body. I could feel it. And, friends, this whole week has been hell.

Physically, it has been brutal, yes. Adrenal Crisis comes with symptoms that destroy the body. Every system is affected.

But mentally and emotionally—I feel broken. I have watched every Canvas notification come in, telling me what I am already acutely aware of—I missed another class or another assignment is now past due. I know. I know. I fucking know. I have watched every missed call from my boyfriend that I just don’t have the energy to answer. I have seen the texts coming in from my grandmother that ask questions I can’t respond to because I’ll lose the composure I’m carefully keeping. I see the person on business page sharing other retailer’s lives with my group, and I just remove them without confronting her. Because my body has no cortisol, no adrenaline, no blood sugar, no blood pressure, no energy.

I am watching my life crash just like my body did. And it took one week. One week.

How long will it take me to put it all back together?

2 thoughts on “Crash

  1. Oh Emma Janine! What can I say? I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for your suffering. But try to keep your faith that things will get better. You don’t need to be on anyone’s timetable ;but your own. There are other times for appointments and another semester down the road. that will wait for you. You survived the crash. You will get back on that road to recovery, taking each step on your own timetable. May God be with you. We send you much love and many virtual hugs. You will be OK. Believe that.

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  2. Emma, I am so sorry that you have had this happen again. I know what it’s like to make plans and then not be able to keep them. Although your situation is much more dire than mine, the emotional toll is similar – the difference being that I am almost 70 and you’re a young woman with many more commitments, hopes and dreams for your life. I m grateful that you survived. You are still here and I know you will be able to recover yet again. Anything you’re missing or unable to do can be resolved. You are strong! You have faith! Sending much love and prayers for you!

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