Still Breathing

I’m writing this from the car on the way to my gastrointerologist’s office. I woke up this morning in a good mood. I laughed with my best friend about the way that she talked in her sleep last night. I told her about the latest show I’ve been binge watching through my insomnia.

I felt nauseated enough first thing to take Zofran with the rest of my morning meds. My abdominal pain has been at a higher level than usual the past few days. I haven’t had a real appetite in weeks. In the past 24 hours, I have had six bloody stools. It was while I was joking with my best friend that the nausea turned into a certainty that I was going to throw up, so I rushed to the bathroom. I got very sick. I came out of the bathroom disoriented, clammy, in excrutiating pain. For the first time since my Crohn’s diagnosis in 2014, I asked my mom to take me to the Emergency Room. Instead we’re going to see my doctor.

💛spero💛

I’m writing this from the hospital. My doctor sent me to the Emergency Room after all. They are doing a CT with contrast and labs. The saline drip is cold. The contrast set me on fire. All I want is to sleep. I can’t talk through the nausea.

💛spero💛

I’m writing this from my couch at home. Cabbage is curled up on top of me. I’ve had a long day. I’ve had a hard day. The doctor’s at Grandview ran their tests, determining that I have severe inflammation throughout my intestines with specific proctitis. This has caused my bloody stools, which has led to anemia. It’s one hell of a Crohn’s flare.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about all of the things the past year has thrown at me. I’m thinking about the adventures I had last August and September in D.C. with my friends. I’m thinking about how much I have grown with each new challenge. I’m thinking about the inner peace I have had to come to as my life plans just keep changing. I’m thinking about what I want to come next. I’m thinking about all the things that could possibly be next—whether I want them to be or not. I’m thinking about how I’m still breathing, so ANYTHING could be next.

💛dum spiro spero💛

While I breathe, I hope. And friends, I am still breathing.

3 thoughts on “Still Breathing

  1. You are the toughest person I know. Sad for your horrible day. Glad you are sleeping in your own bed tonight. Amazed at your hope. I believe it must be grace. I love you, my sweet.

    Like

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